These men are taking their pleasure into their own hands. 

While this reality may not be revolutionary, especially considering the data from one study that suggests 92% of American men masturbate, these three Black gay men are doing two things the majority of the population refuse to do—they’re talking openly about their masturbatory practices, with two of the three men exclusively identifying as solosexual—individuals who prefer masturbation (or “bating” as it’s commonly called) over other forms of sexual activity. For these men, and perhaps, many more like them, getting off solo is not a substitution for “the real thing,” their sex lives are real and so are the mind-blowing orgasms they experience multiple times a day. 

“There was a point where I was up to two to three times a day,” says Marcus, 41, an Atlanta resident and account manager who identifies as solosexual.

Unlike sex with a partner, Marcus describes his solo bate sessions as one without pretense or expectations of anyone but himself. 

“I know how to make myself feel good. I’ve mastered the art of pleasuring myself,” he said. “I know for sure it's going to get done right.” 

Marcus tells The Reckoning that his day usually begins and ends with bating, usually to porn streamed from PornHub or MyVidster to his television. But the pandemic changed his bate routine after he discovered the pleasures of virtual bating, which he says is hotter than bating to porn. 

“I'm seeing real-time stroking, real-time nutting, real-time everything,” said Marcus. “So now, instead of going to porn and masturbating any time of the day, I'm now masturbating at specific points of the day when these group bates are happening. I want to save it. I wanna wait until a virtual bate.” 

Social media apps are connecting people around the world for a myriad of reasons, including sex, with solosexuals and self-identified bators utilizing apps such as Twitter, Telegram, and Band to connect. According to Marcus, the action on these platforms not only provides fuel for his bate, but it also provides a sense of community with other like-minded bators who enjoy the art of self-pleasure as much as he does. 

“You connect with people through these sessions,” he said. “And then you start your one-on-one virtual sessions, and you trade videos back and forth. That has become more of my speed as far as how I fuel my bates.” 

So are most solosexuals uninterested in ever having sex or being in a relationship with a partner? It’s one of the most commonly asked questions of people who identify as solosexual, which prompted an introspective response from Marcus. 

“The older I get, the more I realize that I like the idea of sex more than I like the actual sex,” he said. “It turns me on to think about or to even see it. I don’t have to do it. I could absolutely be in a relationship with somebody and we didn’t have penetrative sex. If I could find somebody that was just into solo sex, that would be so dope.” 

A Radical Act of Self Care? 

For Dre, 31, a Chicago resident and retail manager who also identifies as solosexual, his bate exploration began during a past relationship that he says lacked intimacy. 

“I was missing that touch. And so it got to a point where I said, dammit, I'll just give it to myself,” he said. 

Dre tells The Reckoning that initially he was unaware that masturbation was an option for the intimate toe-curling sex he craved until he stumbled upon porn that reflected the experience he wanted in real life. 

“I typed in group masturbation or something. I forgot what the actual search was, but either way, it led me to find a community of people who identified as bators. I found this “Bateworld” place,” he said, referring to the popular website created specifically for men who enjoy masturbation. “I discovered this whole new world of people who were touching themselves and sharing that in this space.” 

It was life-changing for Dre, who says he was self-conscious about everything from his looks to his sexual performance once his relationship came to an end. For him, finding masturbation was a radical act of self-care. 

“It wasn't necessarily primal—I'm just going to jerk off. This is really something essential for me,” he said. “It was something special for me. It was a moment to reclaim myself, if you will.”

The proof is in the care and detail he’s put into what he calls his “bate den,” a room in his apartment filled with silhouettes of naked Black men and women on the walls that he says serves as both a stimulant and a source of energy during his bate sessions. 

“When I sit down in my bate den, I want to be on my dick for at least two hours, or at least an hour and a half, because if not, it's not worth it to me,” he said. “The lights are off. I have mood lighting—floor lights that I turn on. I usually light incense or a candle just to have some kind of smell or fragrance in the room. And then I have a little ottoman that I sit next to the couch with my different lube on it.”

On the couch is everything he’ll need during his bate session: “cock rings, ball stretchers, poppers, a cock pump, dildo, stroker, I pull everything out,” he said. “I don’t know where I’m going to go when I’m bating. I don’t know what’s going to happen and I want to be prepared. I don’t want to have to get up and walk around the room looking for anything. It kind of kills the mood,” he says through laughter. 

One of the places he might reach during his bate session is a sexual peak many avid bators refer to as “gooning”—a point in the bate where the body shakes and speech becomes slurred. 

“It's beyond words. I’m gibbering weird words because I can’t control myself,” Dre says. “The body twitches. The amount of cum that comes out of there… all of it… it’s very sexy.” 

Edging, the practice of stopping yourself from reaching orgasm right when you’re on the cusp, can be done for a matter of hours, days, or weeks, depending on the individual bator, often to great reward once the orgasm is allowed to commence. 

“My record right now is five and a half hours. Two weeks is my longest time edging off and on without coming,” he said. Walking around with that energy in my dick and balls is such a turn-on for me now.”

Expanding The Bate 

But no two bators are the same. And while Marcus, the lover of virtual bate sessions, couldn’t be any less interested in gooning, he calls it extreme. But like Dre, he does enjoy edging. And then there’s Major, 41, an Atlanta resident and college professor who identifies as bisexual and believes that virtual bating is ridiculous. 

“It does nothing for me. If I'm going to watch you, I might as well watch porn,” he said.

But Major, who says he masturbates at least once a day, has his own bate fuel that is not typically confined to his home. 

“I have bated at the gym. I have bated in the car. And so sometimes that rush of bating in a non-familiar place is intoxicating enough for me to not need stimuli like porn,” he said. 

Major tells The Reckoning that while he is an exhibitionist, he is cognizant that not everyone he exhibits for is a voyeur. 

“They don't necessarily have to join me in stroking, but if I can tell that they are turned on by it or they're enjoying it, that's enough for me.”

While bating is usually done in silo, all three men say they have regular bate buddies or participate in groups with other men who enjoy masturbation. 

“In Atlanta, we were doing it before it was a thing,” said Major. “Before it was a term, there was a handful of us who were doing this. And we were also ridiculously ostracized earlier on because people were like, ‘Why don't y'all just fuck?’ Fucking is easy. We enjoy the art of masturbating and masturbating with someone else present.”

“I definitely have some consistent bate buddies,” said Marcus. “I have a buddy that doesn't live here, but every time he comes into town we always get together and bate. We've been buddies for about seven, eight years now.”

Dre also has a bate buddy, who happens to be white, which he says illuminates a bigger problem as a Black bator. 

“I have found it hard to find other Black men to jerk off with via in person or just online. A lot of it is blank profiles or ‘I don't share pics.’ There’s this secretive thing with men of color, we are just extremely protective of our privacy in that manner,” he said. 

It’s one reason why Dre says he is committed to being more visible as a Black bator. 

“We need to have more men of color represented,” he said. “We're everywhere and we're definitely putting content out. Is it a shame thing?” 

Perhaps.

“But those of us who have a desire for sexual activity and release deserve to masturbate. We deserve to provide ourselves with genuine pleasure and to do so without shame or restriction, especially Black folks,” writes Sherronda J. Brown for Black Youth Project. 

One thing is for certain, any shame these three men may have initially experienced from bringing themselves pleasure has now been replaced with what many believe should be an unspeakable joy that they refuse to be silent about.