World AIDS Day: Michael Ward On Being Vulnerable, Saying The Words He Never Thought He Would
Today, December 1, 2020, is World AIDS Day. And as we reflect on the lives lost to the ongoing HIV/AIDS epidemic, we also celebrate the resiliency of those living and thriving with HIV. Michael Ward, 34, is one of those individuals. In a year rife with devastating loss, global financial instability, food insecurity, mental health challenges, and a lack of national leadership in response to the coronavirus pandemic, many Americans were forced to navigate life in unfamiliar ways and with varying degrees of success. Ward, whose public profile increased in 2020 is no exception. As the host of CNPs “Revolutionary Health,” a weekly Facebook Live series focused on the health of Black queer men, and as co-creator of “Black, Gay, stuck at home,” a virtual film series centering Black LGBTQ stories and filmmakers, not only is Ward’s visibility increasing, but his vulnerability and willingness to speak about his experience of being a Black gay man living with HIV is as well.
“I’m really just getting into the path of using my voice more openly for Black gay men and people living with HIV,” said Ward. “I’m finding out every day, honestly, who I am. It’s been a journey.”
From his HIV diagnosis at 19 to mental health challenges, to self-medicating with sex and drugs, to a failed suicide attempt—Ward is quick to point out that people often mistake his smile as a permanent fixture on his face and not an expression that sometimes requires additional work on his behalf.
“I feel in my mind that I put out an image that I’m always happy. I’m always smiling, you know, when you see me sitting in front of the bookshelf, that I’m in good spirits all the time,” said Ward. “And a lot of times I have to work myself up to it. I had such a big issue with vulnerability, of asking for help, of telling people that I’m not okay. I’m not feeling good today because I felt like people would be dismissive or they wouldn’t know what to do with it,” he said.
“It’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay not to have it all together every day. There are moments when I just get under the covers, and I don’t fucking move, and I cry, and I have to work myself out of that,” he said.
For Ward, it would be less than authentic for him to openly discuss his journey living with HIV without discussing his three-year journey in therapy, which he credits as a major factor towards his mental wellness.
The Reckoning recently facilitated a conversation with Ward and Dr. David Malebranche, a renowned clinical researcher and a physician specializing in HIV/AIDS, and a member of the CNP Tribe. During this intergenerational conversation, Ward reflects on his initial diagnosis, the challenges that followed, the impact of the diagnosis on his mental health, and his ongoing effort to live the best version of himself. You can read an excerpt from the wide-ranging conversation below.
Malebranche: Talk about the intersections for you personally with HIV and your mental health and that aspect of your journey?
Ward: I remember my doctor at the time came in and gave me my diagnosis, and I was sitting there, and I was just like, okay, I got this. Okay, I’m falling apart. I wish I could go back to hug and thank him now. He referred me to a mental health therapist. I was still very much in the angsty teenage phase at 19. I think my energy at that point, he was like, you probably should go talk to somebody. Even by him asking me that it kind of stayed with me. And that is always something that I consider when newly diagnosed people see the show [Revolutionary Health] and or they see me out here talking about it and they come and tell me their stories. Do you have a place to land these things?
One of the things that HIV highlighted for me was how self-destructive I was. I attempted suicide. But I think along my path and my journey of growing up, I did so many more things that were self-destructive as a means of trying to take myself out without me realizing it. So I think that also played into a lot of the sex and the drinking.
And so having this diagnosis and now falling back on all of the things that I had previously done that worked for me, and feeling this incredible shame that I had failed my parents, and that my daddy wasn’t going to love me, and all of the things that came with my diagnosis and hiding it and letting it fester. All of those things came back up in so many terrible ways.
Therapy for me has been a place to build up my confidence to live my truth and realize that I liberate myself. I don’t need people to liberate myself for me. I’m liberated by the fact that I’m standing in my HIV diagnosis and that I’m loved.
I honestly never thought that I would ever say it out loud. I never thought that I would have the courage and the vulnerability and the strength to tell my story and to work myself through those feelings of shame and worthlessness.
Malebranche: That’s a beautiful testimony. We talk about HIV with mental health and it’s not just once you get diagnosed with HIV, then you have to address your mental health. You were struggling with mental health stuff before. HIV is the thing that kind of steps in and says, okay, time to wake up. You can’t ignore this anymore. It makes you reprioritize what you’ve been doing.
Ward: I think I’m fortunate because I think about all of the self-destructive things that I did. I put myself in positions of harm intentionally, and I’m still here. I never thought that I would live to be 18 years old. And the fact that I am here at 34 after not being the best to myself and not treating myself well—that I’m here—there has to be a reason for this.
I can’t play small. I can no longer hold my power back because I’m afraid. And I think a lot of us do that.
Malebranche: Kudos to you for your journey. And again, I’ve told you this before, but I love you fiercely and I am very, very inspired by you.