‘A life worth living’: Zahni Sylvester-Stewart is more than his status
This Article Was Originally Published in The Atlanta Voice. Republished With Permission.
While scientific breakthroughs have occurred in the fight to reduce and prevent new HIV acquisitions—the lack of HIV awareness among Generation Z continues to put people of all ages and backgrounds at risk.
Further, it complicates the goal of achieving an HIV-free generation. It’s an experience Zahni Sylvester-Stewart, 19, a sophomore communications major at Morehouse College, knows all too well.
In December 2023, Stewart was only four months removed from his childhood home in East Orange, New Jersey, and his memories as Student Council and National Honor Society President at Cicely Tyson Community School of Performing and Fine Arts when his life changed forever.
Inside a testing room at Morehouse School of Medicine, he waited for the results of a rapid HIV antibody test. Stewart, who was 18 at the time and identifies as queer, decided to get tested after a sexual encounter where he says he was “coerced” under the influence of marijuana into being the receptive sexual partner.
Stewart says he did not show any symptoms, and this was his first HIV test.
“In my head, I thought, Oh, I should be good,” he said. “ They just pricked my finger. The doctor told me that it came back positive, and then he asked me if I wanted him to double-check and test me again.”
Stewart asked the doctor for a second test, praying the first result was a false positive while bargaining with God.
Zahni Sylvester-Stewart (Photo by Kerri Phox/The Atlanta Voice)
“I promise, I won’t do anything like this ever again,” he recalls crying out. “And then it came back positive. At that moment, I felt numb. I didn’t feel anything,” he said. “It wasn’t until I returned to my dorm, where I was just sitting in isolation, that everything hit me all at once. Initial feelings that I was experiencing were shame and guilt as if I did something wrong that I stooped so low to where I had come from.”
Stewart said he had balanced academics, athletics, and personal relationships while in high school, so to go from that to entering his very first semester at a prestigious HBCU and learning he tested positive for an incurable disease was world-shattering.
“It hurt even more when I had to tell my mother, who lost her mother, my grandmother, to AIDS. So having to tell my mom, it was re-traumatizing for her,” he said. “When I told her, I saw the hurt on her face, and she responded out of pure emotion. At the time, she said she didn’t even know who I was anymore and that hurt me.”
Stewart says that since then, they have talked about it, apologized, and learned to embrace this new part of themselves.
As the reality of his diagnosis set in, and Stewart began showing his HIV status to his immediate family and close friends, a message began weighing heavily on his chest that he said was “begging to be delivered.”
So, he took that message to TikTok in true Gen Z fashion.
“I just pulled out my phone. No crazy filters, no ring light. I just hit record,” he said. “I was talking to my camera for 7 minutes and giving my whole story.”
According to Stewart, the initial video received over 55,000 views on TikTok. However, it was the direct messages from other young people living with HIV that reaffirmed his decision to go public with a chronic condition that stays heavily stigmatized.
“ I had people as young as 17 years old DMing me saying, ‘Hey, I saw your TikTok. I’m also diagnosed with HIV. I want to say this story has helped me tremendously. And I’m very appreciative—we feel that we don’t have to feel so guilty about simply living with it,” he said.
The inspiration came from a conversation with his mom over the summer, during which he expressed to her that he didn’t know anyone else personally who was going through this experience, and he felt no one could relate to his experience.
“Ultimately, I knew people like me who are my age or within my age range who are dealing with being HIV positive or any other STDs/STIs. We exist, but because of the stigma that’s so ingrained in our society, we’re afraid to come out, speak our truths, and use our voices because we don’t want to feel ostracized or discriminated against,” he said.
Stewart said he decided to take the initiative to tell people who are going through the same thing that while you don’t have to be proud, you don’t have to be ashamed either.
“At the end of the day, you did nothing wrong; this isn’t a curse; you didn’t do anything to deserve this,” he said. “We’re all victims of life, and anyone who lives life knows that sometimes life happens, and we have no choice but to adapt and move forward.”
He said he created the TikTok video to tell his story to make other people feel less alone and isolated. Also, he said it felt powerful to receive immense support in the comments and from other people. Stewart also says removing the stigma and shame that goes with an HIV diagnosis is a daily exercise in self-worth.
“People think, ‘Oh, if you’ve got it, you must be dirty, you must be [having sex] with all these people,'” he said. “In actuality, when I was diagnosed, I’d only had sex with two people at the time. It only takes one time.”
Although Stewart now has a great support system, he understands that might not be everyone’s journey. To others who may not have a support system, he says you only get one life; with that one life, it’s important you don’t live it in regret.
“Live your life truthfully, happily, and unapologetically. You should always be 100% in yourself. You’re not going to be for everybody, and truth be told, you should not want to be for everybody,” he said.
To this day, Stewart says sometimes the feeling of shame and his diagnosis still eats away at him, but he reminds himself of all his blessings to halt being consumed by those feelings. He reminds himself of his accomplishments, accolades, his family, and his friends.
“At the end of the day, you did nothing wrong; this isn’t a curse; you didn’t do anything to deserve this. We’re all victims of life, and anyone who lives life knows that sometimes life happens, and we have no choice but to adapt and move forward.”
“I tell myself that being diagnosed with this disease doesn’t change the work I’ve done. It’s not going to change the work I continue to do, whether it’s academically, my career, or personally, and it hasn’t changed any of the dynamics I’ve had with the people closest to me,” he said.
He recalls telling his childhood best friend about his status and being terrified of his reaction, but his best friend reaffirmed to him, “Nothing in the world could change our friendship.”
Also, throughout the past couple of years through this journey, Stewart says he has learned of his resilience, perseverance, and grit to keep going, knowing he came out of this situation better than ever.
“It has instilled in me nothing can stand in my way. I’ve learned I’m unstoppable, and I was put on this earth for a reason: I have something to do. I’m here to fulfill my purpose and to live a happy life,” he said.
He says he wants to graduate from Morehouse, travel, and establish his career.
As far as advice for anyone recently diagnosed with HIV, he says to take it one day at a time and to not rush the healing.
“Don’t think there’s a certain amount of time where you must get over it,” he said. “At the end of the day, it’s a grieving process, and it takes a while to get accepted, so don’t rush. Continue to see the value and beauty of your life; it cannot be replicated, and everyone who was put on this planet was put here for a reason.”
He also said that we need to be more empathetic as a society because you never know what people are going through and experiencing.
“Those of us living with HIV, we’re everywhere. We’re the students you sit next to in the classroom, your co-workers, teachers, mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, and cousins,” he said.
Additionally, with the Trump administration disrupting the distribution of HIV medication and other preventive measures such as PREP, Stewart says it’s scary, but he wants to continue to hold onto faith and optimism.
“Wallowing in fear isn’t going to do us any good. We should be cautious, but at the same time, it’s important to have a sense of hope,” he said. “I feel as though hope has always got a generation through any obstacle because hope instills grit, and with grit instills work, and that instills perseverance, and that can rally people together to continue to push forward.”
National Black HIV Awareness Day, Stewart says, means a day of progress and a day that shows as a society slowly but surely moving on from the stigma that has been placed for so long with HIV, AIDS, STIs, and STDs.
“It shows we are educating ourselves as a country, and we’re making strides in innovation, medicine and education,” he said. “We’re not shunning it as much as we used to. I’m much bigger than my status. It’s a part of me, but it isn’t me,” he said. “I’m living a life that’s completely worth living.”
