One Step Forward & Two Steps Back: Unpacking the Heteronormative Barriers to Gay Men Having Children

Officially named in 1910, Father’s Day grew from humble beginnings in West Virginia to a national holiday simultaneously fueled by love and capitalism. The first Father’s Day celebration was held in Fairmont, West Virginia, on July 5th, 1908, and was dedicated to a group of 362 men who died in a coal mine explosion. While tragic, the unwilling martyrs were memorialized and catalyzed conversations. Then, in 1909, a woman named Sonora Smart Dodd campaigned for a national holiday to honor her father, who was a single parent due to his wife passing away during childbirth.

It worked. In fact, recent reports estimate that nearly $22.4 billion will be generated on Father’s Day, which is the 2nd highest figure on record.

While it is important to highlight fatherhood and those who shepherd their children into adult life, we frequently forget to ask a critical question: who gets the opportunity (and privilege) to be a father if desired? For many men who identify as queer, there is a delta between wanting a child and having one. As we celebrate Father’s Day, we must pause and reflect; for many gay men, like myself, fatherhood is a privilege often observed and experienced only in one’s dreams. Then, you wake up and realize the nightmare of heteronormativity and how homophobic systems, even subconsciously, skew gay men out of fatherhood. In other words, like safety and security, fatherhood seems to be intentionally constructed for and informed by straightness. Children feel like the precious present gifted to those who adhere to social norms.

The Snapshot: How did we get here?

The journey toward legal adoption rights for gay men has been marked by significant milestones and legal battles that reflect broader shifts in societal attitudes toward LGBTQIA+ rights. While there were small advancements in the 70s, these changes were minuscule compared to the epiphanies present in the 90s. In 1997,  New Jersey became the first state to allow joint adoption by same-sex couples, signaling a significant shift in the legal landscape and laying the groundwork for other states to follow. As written in the original NYT article from ‘97, this ruling was necessary because “it placed all unmarried couples in the state on equal footing with married couples for the first time.” It is important to remember that this is a state case and applied only to New Jersey.

Then, the push for adoption rights for gay men intensified in 2007 when Florida's 1977 ban on homosexual adoption was challenged. As a holdover from the toxic and harmful rhetoric of Anita Bryant’s Save Our Children campaign, which featured slogans like “homosexuals can’t reproduce, so they must recruit,”  the state of Florida maintained a universal and comprehensive ban on gay men adopting for over four decades. A judge ruled this ban unconstitutional in 2010. Lastly, perhaps the most significant advancement was observed in 2015 when, on a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court ruled on Obergefell vs. Hodges, declaring that the fundamental right to marry is guaranteed to same-sex couples by the Due Process Clause and the Equal Protection Clause. In theory, this ruling also allowed same-sex couples to engage in similar adoption practices as straight couples. While true in theory, this was not true in action. Court cases can change policy, but judges cannot mandate attitude changes and/or massive cultural shifts. 

Do gay men parent now?

Before continuing, it is essential to acknowledge that our nation is much further along than we used to be, but as my Grandma always says, will you notice if you take a bucket of water out of the ocean? We are all involuntarily swimming in the sea of toxic heteronormativity and constantly engulfed in the waves of homophobia.

Even as some men socially drown, they extend assistance to others, especially through adoption and fostering. For example, according to the latest census data,  14.7% of the 1.1 million same-sex couples in the United States had at least one child under 18 in their household, compared to 37.8% of opposite-sex couples, but this data is skewed by gender. 22.5% of female same-sex couple households had children under 18 present, compared with 6.6% of male same-sex couple households. Also, families in same-sex relationships also tended to be smaller, with 54.7% having just one child, versus 39.2% among opposite-sex couples. Finally, same-sex couples were four times more likely to have adopted children or stepchildren than opposite-sex couples. The Williams Institute complicates this research and found that same-sex couples are actually seven times more likely to adopt or foster when compared to straight couples. 

All considered, less than 10% of gay couples parent, and if they do parent, it is likely that their child will be adopted (either by agency , foster care or adopting a spouse’s biological child). This small figure does not indicate desire, instead, I believe this low number is likely fueled by a myriad of homophobic systems and barriers- legal, financial and attitudinal.  

The Barriers

Obviously, unless one engages in insertive intercourse with a female partner, a gay man cannot conceive on his own. Some believe that if you cannot conceive “naturally,” then you should not have children at all. As I always say, this framework or logic can also be applied to women who struggle with fertility. 

In order to be a father, gay men have to navigate the maze of heteronormativity and homophobia.  Like the world’s worst game of tag, gay men are consistently chasing evolving systems that are designed to make childhood out of reach; this is especially true considering child rearing is traditionally feminine and many cannot fathom the idea of two men raising a child without a female present. Let’s unpack the barriers. 

Legal: One massive structural barrier that once prevented gay men from conceiving a child is the fact that the CDC maintained a lifelong ban on gay men from donating sperm. Moreover, in addition to marriage being used as a barometer to determine if a gay man deserves a child, another massive legal barrier exists- religious discrimination.

In its "Increased Threats to LGBT Parenting" report, the American Bar Association unveiled a rise in state-sanctioned discrimination against LGBT individuals seeking to raise children. The report notes that 13 states currently permit state-licensed welfare agencies to deny child placements to LGBTQ individuals and same-sex couples based on religious or moral objections. This policy is entrenched in older laws from North Dakota (2003) and Virginia (2012), and has been adopted by additional states like Michigan, Mississippi, South Dakota, Alabama, Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, and South Carolina. In these states, the desire to adopt may not actually result in a fair process, as they could be locked out by religious doctrine’; this is true even for state run agencies.

Of course, this assumes that one has the financial ability, time and capacity to endure the arduous adoption process. 

Financial: Contrary to popular belief, adoption is not simple, quick or cheap. The Human Rights Campaign offers the following estimates:

Breakdown of Potential Adoption Costs, Tax Credits and Benefit Programs

• Foster Care/Public Adoptions: $0 - $5,000

• Licensed Private Agency Adoptions: $30,000 - $60,000+

• Independent Adoptions: $25,000 - $45,000+

• International Adoptions: $20,000 - $50,000+

• Second-parent adoptions: which many LGBTQ+ parents choose to complete - cost on average from $2,000 to $3,000 depending on home study expenses and legal fees.

These are just adoption fees and do not take into account expenses once one raises a child. Obviously, public adoptions are the cheapest option, but as previously highlighted, state run foster care systems and adoption centers can refuse (and do) based on religious exemptions.

So, let’s assume one desires a surrogate.  That is exponentially more expensive. A recent US News and World Report disclosed that the average case of surrogacy costs between $100,000 and $225,000, which places childhood out of reach for many. This is especially true for queer men of color who frequently report higher levels of discrimination and lower disposable income than others. The Williams Institute notes that Black LGBT adults are more likely to experience economic insecurity than Black non-LGBT adults and 56% of Black LGBTQIA+ households have a low income. 

Attitudinal: Even if one has the ability to overcome legal and financial barriers, it is much harder to quantify how interpersonal homophobia appears and how heteronormative attitudes make it difficult for queer people to have children. Someone could “forget to process” your application, or repeatedly claim that there are no “good fits.” Emploers could reject leave as Paternity leave is often not extended to gay men. 

Why? People contend that they don't need a leave of absence because childbirth has no effect on their bodies. This makes it virtually impossible to think about long-term planning.

Let’s take healthcare for another illustrative example.  According to Lambda Legal, healthcare systems often do not provide adequate or sensitive care tailored to the needs of LGBTQ+ families. Thus, gay men may face healthcare providers and pediatricians who lack knowledge of or sensitivity to non-heteronormative family structures, impacting their ability to access and receive appropriate guidance and support for family planning. 

To clarify, homophobic attitudes do not just stay in the classroom; instead, the waves of homophobia frequently crash in and destroy progress in other areas.  

Kids are not immune from getting swept up in the wave. Gay men and their children may experience homophobic teachers in schools.  Their children may have homophobic coaches who develop their hobbies. People could refuse to allow their children to stay over at a same-sex couple's home, and one study noted that nearly 50% of kids from same-sex couples report feeling victimized due to their parents’ sexuality.

But parenting is about situating children for success, and most studies indicate that gay men can, and do raise, emotionally healthy children who succeed and thrive in society, regardless of their sexuality. Forbes recently reported that children with gay, lesbian, transgender, or sexual minority parents fare as well as, or better than, children with parents of the opposite sex. Cornell University also conducted a sweeping review of 79 peer-reviewed research articles and what did they find? The majority of the studies, 75, found that children of gay parents fare just as well as their peers. Homophobia is the problem, not the parenting acumen and capacity of gay men.