Pops, Unc and Me: How Three Black Queer Men Decades Apart Bridged The Generation Gap
Nathan Townsend, Thaddeus Works and Darriyhan Edmond (Image courtesy of subject)
When Nathan Townsend, 68, extended an invitation to Black gay men in a private Facebook group to attend Disney’s 2019 “The Lion King” live-action remake, he didn’t expect the initial excitement and RSVPs to result in a party of two. Nor did Darriyhan Edmond, 27, when he arrived at the AMC Theater at Camp Creek Marketplace to find himself as one half of an unfamiliar duo with a man old enough to be his grandfather. With a 41-year age difference and vastly different life experiences, the unlikely movie duo claimed their seats inside of the theater and opened the door to a friendship that neither of them saw coming.
“He was talking louder than the movie was playing. So that in itself was a moment,” said Edmond. “And I was like, even though he's a lot older than I am, he's no different from me.”
“It wasn't intended to be just him and I, but that's how it played out,” said Townsend.
After the film, the two grabbed dinner at a nearby Chili’s restaurant.
“The things we discussed at the table. No topic was off-limits,” said Edmond. “We were both open and honest about certain things. We shared experiences. It was a connection that automatically happened.”
Townsend recalls feeling the same.
“Literally from that moment, we became inseparable,” he said.
Townsend, a Philadelphia transplant works as an HIV Prevention Manager. While Edmond, a Gary, Indiana native, is an HIV Peer Support Specialist at THRIVE SS. They both relocated to Atlanta in 2015 in search of community, which Edmond found through Undetectables Atlanta (UA); a private Facebook group that provides support and brotherhood for Black queer men living with HIV. It was through the THRIVE SS/UA network that the duo soon became a trio.
“It’s so emotionally fulfilling because it gives me purpose. It also reassures me that I’m pouring into somebody else and that I can see the instant growth.”
Enter Thaddeus Works, 56, a retired law enforcement professional whose routine visits to the THRIVE SS headquarters in Southwest Atlanta where he’d often see Edmond, wave hello, and then continue with his day, all of a sudden became less routine.
“I met Darriyhan three years ago. He was working with THRIVE [SS] and I used to come into the office and throw my hands up [in a gesture to say hello],” Works said. “And then one day I was talking to Larry [Walker, Executive Director of THRIVE SS]. I was trying to give Larry a hug, and I opened my arms and Darriyhan came up and hugged me. So that's how that happened,” he said.
Thaddeus Works and Darriyhan Edmond (Image courtesy of subject)
According to Works, Edmond was given a special nickname after other men in their circle began to observe their budding friendship.
“They call him Oba’s baby,” Works said, referring to the Yoruba term Oba, which often precedes his first name and is defined as the ruler or king.
“Now they named him that out of jealousy, but it stuck perfectly,” Works said.
And as far as Edmond was concerned, if he was Oba’s baby, Works was his “Pops.”
“Without him knowing or without it being forced, he had already demonstrated and given me the love and care that a pops would give. So it just happened naturally,” Edmond said.
But where did Edmond’s new friendship with Works leave Townsend?
“There was a moment when I could have easily paused and said, why are you picking him? What am I? Where do I fit in this? But it wasn't how that was planned,” Townsend said. “And so I became his uncle, and Thaddeus became his dad.”
Townsend says that he and Works play an individual and collective role in their friendship with Edmond.
“There are conversations that Thaddeus and I have about him that he doesn’t even know about,” Townsend said. “There's been things that he's going through that we conference about, almost like we are parents in how we show up.”
Although Townsend does not have biological children of his own, he tells The Reckoning that being a parental figure—who also happens to be same gender loving and living with HIV—to Edmond allows him to live out his parental instinct.
“It’s so emotionally fulfilling because it gives me purpose. It also reassures me that I'm pouring into somebody else and that I can see the instant growth,” he said.
Darriyhan Edmond and Nathan Townsend (Image courtesy of subject)
Age Ain’t Nothing But A Number
But for those observing this rare friendship dynamic, it can be hard to believe that their affection for each other is strictly platonic or non-transactional. The men say it’s common for people to project all kinds of wildly inappropriate ideas about the nature of their friendship.
“I was asked if I was gonna be a sugar daddy? It offended me because they were so shallow,” Works said. “I had to check them real quick, so now we’re respected.”
“The older guys say that the young guys only want them to be generous. The young guys say that the older guys only want them for sex. We realize that is a dynamic that exists, but it is also a dynamic that can be moved out of the way,” Townsend said. “There are relationships and genuine connections on the other side of that, regardless of age.”
Like Works, Townsend says he’s also routinely subjected to a similar line of questioning about his friendship with Edmond, especially in gay bars in Atlanta, which they both frequent.
“Initially, people were always asking him if I was his old man. Or people would be looking at him to get to me or looking at me to get to him,” Townsend said. “Once, a guy was cruising me, then went over to him and began cruising him. Darriyhan asked him what he wanted, and he said, ‘I’ll take y'all both.’ Darriyhan said, ‘we don't roll like that.’ And we both left him there,” Townsend said, evoking laughter among all three men.
“Friendship doesn’t have an age. Sometimes it’s the only thing that we have in common. They showed me that no matter our ages, it didn’t matter in our friendship because it was based on love and respect and just being there for each other.”
According to Edmond, when it comes to members of his peer group, age is often the only commonality they share.
“Friendship doesn't have an age. Sometimes it’s the only thing that we have in common. They showed me that no matter our ages, it didn't matter in our friendship because it was based on love and respect and just being there for each other,” he said.
And while mutual respect inside the trio is an important ingredient to the success of their friendship, the men say they are not immune to the disrespect that often presents itself as ageism, which Edmond has zero tolerance for, especially in perceived Black queer (safe) spaces.
“There is a protective level of respect that he has for us. He won’t let other young people cross the line,” Townsend said. “The minute he feels they’ve disrespected me because of my age, he's the first one to go to them and say, he's still our elder.”
Darriyhan Edmond and Thaddeus Works (Image courtesy of subject)
A Larger Plan
If it were not for the ongoing HIV epidemic in the Black community, perhaps there would be more intergenerational friendships among Black queer men. However, many men who would be elders today died prematurely at the height of the epidemic. It is a reality that Edmond, who has been living with HIV for nearly a decade, Townsend for 38 years, and Works for 18 years, is keenly aware of.
“Because of the diagnosis, there are still those fears of what's gonna happen tomorrow,” said Townsend. “We just lost a brother, Jerome Hughes. And so every time we see that it seeps into my head, are you gonna be next? Even if I am next, I’m not alone. I don’t have to go through this alone.”
For Edmond, Townsend, and Works are living models of what he can expect in his golden years as he ages with HIV.
“Whether it’s about support or adherence tips, I can rely on them to help me to say one day that I'm 68, and I am still living and thriving with HIV,” said Edmond.
“People think that we only give to him, that this is only a one-way relationship—it is not. We give to each other. We pour into each other,” said Townsend.
Holding back tears, Works points to the 2021 shooting death of his brother, which sadly, Edmond had also experienced two years earlier when his brother was gunned down in their hometown.
“My emotions were all over the place. I was about to lose my mind,” said Works. “Darriyhan stood by me the whole time. And he didn't have to say anything. His silence nourished me.”
“People think that we only give to him, that this is only a one-way relationship—it is not. We give to each other. We pour into each other.”
“I just wish that at that age, I cared enough about other people as I do now,” said Townsend. “I’m playing catch up. I'm playing give back where [Edmond is] giving up in advance.”
Consider how differently the outcome would have been if either person had declined the initial invitation to attend the movies or to join the UA brotherhood that set the wheels of their friendship in motion.
“We would have never met,” said Works.
“I don't believe in coincidences. I don't believe that we just happen to be in people's lives. I think there is a larger plan if we are receptive and not deceptive,” said Townsend.
“My [biological] dad turns 50 this year, and he asked if he could join The Silver Lining Project [on his birthday]. For him to mention that it was like he took the cap off the box that people place us in [by acknowledging that he] doesn’t have to be living with HIV or living life as a gay man to want some of the same shared experiences—the same love.”
Edmond recalls what his dad said before they parted ways during a visit to Atlanta and how a man with a completely different lived experience acknowledged the surrogate family his son had found in Townsend and Works.
“[He said] now he can go home and know that his son is gonna be in good hands and that he has people who are gonna love and support him. [And because of that], he has no worries.”
