Gay dating coach and matchmaker Lamont White, 40, has been successfully introducing single Black gay men in Atlanta and across the United States to their ideal mate through his dating service Better Way To Meet since 2014. The Pittsburgh, PA native who works in public health by day, was already using his master's degree in professional counseling by providing therapy for gay men and couples as early as 2004. So when a gay friend mentioned his less than stellar experience as a client of a matchmaking service, it lit the fuse for White to create a new model tailored for gay men.

“I do very old-fashioned matchmaking,” said White. “I meet with guys face-to-face using Zoom just to get a feel for who they are and what they’re looking for. I have to make sure that they’re not catfish. So I have to verify that they are the person in the pictures. I do a lot of listening, and then I say, hey, this is the guy that I want to send you on a date with. My job is to listen to what they want, but then also give some input on what I think might work well for them,” he said.

One thing White says he knows for sure is that the standard first-dinner-date is a setup for failure. He not only finds the perfect match for his clients, but he also plans their first date.

“I do interactive dates. I hate dinner dates. I feel like those are job interviews and those are horrible on first dates because you’re just gonna sit down and ask your list of questions,” he said. “The good thing about my service is that guys don’t have to pay until they agree to go on a date with a guy.”

White tells The Reckoning that there are a plethora of single Black gay men in Atlanta who have employed his matchmaking expertise and are serious about dating with the hope of long-term commitment, which directly challenges the popular perception of Atlanta as a city filled with eligible sex-obsessed Black gay bachelors.

“It’s a perception. It’s not true,” he said. "There are guys here who want relationships. There are guys here that are in relationships. Go look in College Park, there’s a bunch of gay men that own homes down there. You won’t see them in the clubs because they’re at home with their man cooking dinner. This city is filled with guys who want connections. One thing that I love about Atlanta is that no matter who you are, there’s a place for you. There’s a space, there’s a group. We as Black gay men are always looking for meaningful connections, and it’s not always about sex. Sex is great. Have at it. Do your thing. But I think guys also want relationships," said White.

“There are guys here who want relationships. There are guys here that are in relationships. Go look in College Park, there’s a bunch of gay men that own homes down there. You won’t see them in the clubs because they’re at home with their man cooking dinner.”

— Lamont White

Are you the man you want?

The days of meeting your next boyfriend at a bar, or after stealing glances as you pass each other in the aisle at the supermarket, while slowly looking over your shoulder to see if the object of your affection is still within reach, is happening less frequently in the digital age as more gay men are connecting via dating apps. One might surmise that the prospect of finding more than a hook-up after scrolling through dozens of profile photos of half-naked and headless bodies on gay dating apps like Grindr and Jack’d is slim to none. White says it all comes down to the story you’re telling potential partners about yourself.

“If you tell a different story about who you are on Grindr, on Jack’d, you will get something different,” he said. “I tell guys if you want to find a guy on Grindr or Jack’d, great, put your face picture out there. Put a couple of pictures of who you are and what you like to do for fun. Frame your content as to who you are, what you like, and what you’re looking for. Don’t say what you don’t want. Say what you want and talk about who you are. Of course, you’re gonna get the ass and dick pics, delete those and focus on the guys who actually want to go on a date,” said White.

Being intentional about your end goal and the story you’re telling potential partners about yourself online is the bare minimum of what should be required of Black gay men who are serious about developing meaningful connections. According to White, the more challenging hurdles will be navigating dating in the absence of same-sex relationship models, resisting the urge to apply hetero normative standards to gay relationships, and unlearning the negative narratives Black gay men have internalized about who we are.

“As Black gay men, we’ve been taught how to hide our feelings. We’ve been taught how to hide the kind of sex we have. We’ve been taught to think negatively about who we are. We’ve been taught that sometimes our life is not valuable. We have to go through the process of unlearning those things,” said White.

“I say this to my dating coaching clients all the time, if you haven’t sat down with a professional or with yourself and tried to reflect on what society says about who you are, and what the Bible says about who you are, and do some research about the truth, and having one-on-one conversations with God, or having one-on-one conversations with a counselor to create a new narrative about who you are as a Black gay man… you have to go through that process. And if you haven’t, you will continue to have failed relationships, whether it’s with friends, co-workers, or in relationships,” he said.

‘He was my Thursday night...you know.’

Unlike some dating coaches and traditional matchmakers, White’s work is not only informed by his educational background and professional experience but also by his long-term relationship with husband Art White, whom he met the year he founded Better Way To Meet. The White’s legally wed last fall, and as is the case for many couples, their courtship did not meet the traditional fairy-tale expectations that many singles often romanticize.

“When I first met him I didn’t see him,” said White. “It wasn’t until about six years ago that I bumped into him and I guess kinda looked at him a little differently. Like, hmm. He’s cute. We hooked up that night,” White said, followed by his unique and infectious laugh.

“I laugh because when we first met, we weren’t dating. He was my Thursday night..you know. And then I was like, hey, do you want to go on a date? And he said sure.”

White says the couple dated for about six months before their lives merged, eventually purchasing a home together. The couple is raising Art White’s two nephews and is now a family of four.

White tells The Reckoning that after four years of dating, he nudged his future husband towards marriage a few months before he ultimately proposed at one of their favorite Atlanta restaurants, Endive Publik House.

“This hand is empty. Piss or get off the pot,” White jokingly recalled saying to Art White with an undertone of seriousness.

“Months later on his birthday he proposed.”

Tahir & Amon

White’s relationship trajectory is an example of being open to accepting love when and how it presents itself, especially if the narrative differs from the one we’ve written for ourselves. Tahir Woods and Amon Meadows, two men who met at a Better Way To Meet speed dating event, and married last fall, exemplifies this beautifully. Woods tells The Reckoning that he’d given up on the prospect of marriage before he accepted White’s invitation to host and had no intention of connecting with any of the eligible bachelors taking part in the speed dating event.

“Honestly, I was tired of coming home after work and having long conversations and binge-watching reality shows with my dog while eating pizza and finishing bottles of wine,” said Woods. “That seemed to be my Saturday nights for some time.”

Woods says he figured he would help others find love at the event, although he’d been unsuccessful, and then love entered when he least expected it.

“I grabbed a cocktail before the hosting began in order to loosen me up,” he said. “Suddenly this guy walks up to me [Meadows] explaining he’s the guy I was chatting with on social media. I kindly greeted him and told him I'd be with him and the other participants soon. But he told me he came to see me, although I wasn’t there to find anyone to date. He asked me to go to lunch the next day. I’m glad I took him up on his offer. That lunch date turned into a marriage,” said Woods.

“I can honestly say, I found my husband because of Better Way To Meet.”

Watch Lamont On CNP’s Dating & Relationships Series

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