Giving And Getting Some: Reflecting On The Penetration Of My Manhood And My Ass
“Free your mind, and your ass will follow…”
- Funkadelic
I expected it to be really painful the first time I got fucked.
I was 20 years old. I had not placed anything bigger than my finger inside. Before this initiation, I enjoyed getting and giving head and frottage, but no penetration whatsoever. It was a college friend who did the honors. I was not only infatuated with him. I trusted him. I was so relaxed throughout it all that it stumped him. “You sure you haven't done this before?” I told him I really liked it and that I looked forward to getting better at it. Lighting a second post-sex Newport, he advised, “well if you do that with someone, make sure you get yours back.”
My friend’s advice suggested that to be penetrated is to give away something valuable that must be paid back. To not ‘get yours back’ was to suffer a loss that needed to be balanced out, a measure of displaced manhood that must be reset. His insistence that I “get” whenever I “give” echoed the proverbs I heard growing up in the barbershops and playgrounds where boys learned how to be men. When boys gossiped about a girl having sex, they would say she “gave it up” ignoring that the girl was not only giving but also receiving pleasure. I wanted to ask him “if I get what I want, what do I need to get back?” but I was a 20-year-old novice, so I held my objection in silence.
Forty-one years after losing my cherry, conflicting attitudes about bottoming persist as if passed down through generations. Black gay men still use antiquated terms like passive and submissive as codes for bottoms. Many (including bottoms) equate bottoms with women, as patriarchy deems being penetrated a woman’s role. No matter how manly they may appear, men who bottom are therefore deemed less desirable. A ripped masculine man who bottoms is considered a disappointment who only appears to be a real man...i.e., “chile, he ain't nothing but a big ole bottom.”
“Black gay men’s shade about bottoming is deeply rooted in shame. Gay boys are coached from the same patriarchal playbook as their hetero playmates.”
Black gay men’s shade about bottoming is deeply rooted in shame. Gay boys are coached from the same patriarchal playbook as their hetero playmates. We learn that of all our acts and desires that disqualify us as men, taking dick is the ultimate form of emasculation. Hard as they may try, men who choose to assimilate, rather than reject, patriarchal values cannot compensate their way out of shame. Men don’t express shame by admitting “I feel bottoms are not real men because I am afraid of my feminine self”. Shame sounds more like “Why are there so many bottoms in Atlanta?” or “Why do bottoms want to be treated like women?”
Some gay men dislike having their ass called a pussy while others dig it or are unbothered. Many who use campy language like “queen” and “she/her” in place of “he/him” draw the line at equating a man’s ass with pussy. The first time someone called my stuff a pussy during sex, it bothered me. Like many gay men, I worked hard to accept parts of myself that the world regarded as feminine but resisted being identified as a woman. I had heard the term “boy pussy” before, but it had never been applied to me. Yet in that very hot moment, I made an intuitive decision—I released my inhibitions and indulged my partner’s wordplay. I knew it was not a pussy back there, so I did not need to ascertain what he thought of my ass or my manhood. I understood that if his name for the flesh that facilitates joy was “pussy” then I could serve him some hot ass pussy without reservation. So I did, and we both appreciated it with no loss of manhood.
Image from the series “Intent Matters” by Johnnie Ray Kornegay III
Accidental Shame
From birth, gay men receive messages that queer sexuality is seen by many as perverse, and anal sex in particular as dirty. Anal sex is deemed unclean for two fundamental reasons, one because it’s what a lot of gay men do, and two because it involves shit. Some men find it arousing to play with shit during sex, which is called “scat sex” or “shit play." Most men do not want to deal with shit while doing the do and they will go to considerable lengths to prevent its appearance. They use store-bought enemas to flush out residual waste. Before bottoming, they will refrain from eating or eat high-fiber foods to avoid bowel activity. Despite doing all this prep work, those who bottom may be blamed or blame themselves, even though at least one other person participated. Painting is the slang for shit staining the sheets and/or the penetrating partner. Terms like “painting” and “shitty kitty” are used to judge bottoms for not effectively preventing the leak. The expectation that shit won’t happen because one douched, fasted, or ate selectively is not realistic. An ass does not suspend its central function just because we use it for sexual gratification.
“I don’t need to top someone after bottoming to restore some illusionary balance of manhood.”
I had difficulties preventing messes with someone I dated exclusively for several months. He was amply endowed, but I had taken big dicks before with no problem so I was confused. I wondered why I could not manage this better. I tried multiple flushings and watched what I ate before our sessions. Several times after he pulled out, there were traces of shit on his dick or sheets. Each time made me feel like I had ruined the experience. He would assure me it wasn’t a big deal and suggested prevention ideas. Though he treated this issue with empathy, he eventually grew verbally abusive. When I broke up with him, he immediately texted, “maybe you will find some niggas who don’t mind shit on their dick.” I reread his hateful words over and over as if to ingest them so that I might develop antibodies to fight off any future exposures. I was determined to not allow anyone to humiliate me this way ever again.
If in my solitude, I cannot confront personal shame about my body and my sexual expression, then my self-professed pride and advocacy amount to little more than activist theater. I don’t need to top someone after bottoming to restore some illusionary balance of manhood. If someone calls my ass “pussy” while I am giving him something he can feel, that makes me no less of a man. I feel more like a man when I am no longer afraid of being perceived as femme, or as a woman. No matter how much I may try to manage it, my ass is still and always will be an ass. If some spillage occurs, my partner and I will handle it, but I will not let it stain how I view myself. Last month, I told an eager cut buddy I needed time to prepare. He assured me, “come over now, you know I like it as is.”
Image from the series “Intent Matters” by Johnnie Ray Kornegay III
Is bottoming a revolutionary act?
“To be revolutionary is to embrace his truth despite the lies taught by the very people on whom he depended for his survival...”
In his 1986 masterpiece In The Life, a formative anthology of Black gay men’s writings that inspired successive generations, writer Joseph Beam proclaimed “Black men loving Black men” as “the revolutionary act.” Could bottoming be considered a revolutionary act for self-affirming Black men? Funkadelic beckoned, “free your mind and your ass will follow.” Revolution begins in the mind, where the flame of revolutionary consciousness is ignited. When Black gay men’s sexual practices foster intimacy, establish healthy bonds, as casual sex mates, friendships and/or life partners outside of compulsory heterosexual standards, when Black queer sexuality relieves Black queer anguish, or buffers against cultural and political aggressions (read Essex Hemphill’s “Black Beans”), our fucking functions in a revolutionary fashion. If one bottoms and believes himself and other men like him are unmanly, perverse, sinful, or shameful, his activity is anti-revolutionary, as his distorted self-concept perpetuates the status quo and changes nothing. To be revolutionary is to embrace his truth despite the lies taught by the very people on whom he depended for his survival, and the enduring hatred white people hold for his entire race. Indeed, bottoming is a revolutionary act for Black men loving Black men as our love and our sex shatters shackles and frees us from the cages built especially for our kind.
Image from the series “Intent Matters” by Johnnie Ray Kornegay III
