Is Weed the Ultimate 'Match'-Maker for Black Gay Men?
Forget Gun Oil, Wet, or Vaseline—few substances lubricate relations between Black gay men as frequently as marijuana. Online interactions are as likely to begin with an invitation to “match”—where each party supplies a blunt to be shared—as with a greeting or compliment.
“I think smoking weed is probably the best icebreaker,” says Legend Richardson, 33, who began smoking when he was 15 and now consumes marijuana daily. “Ultimately, a 420-friendly hook-up is the best.”
Jon Gabriel Ortiz also began lighting up when he was a teenager, and when asked how frequently marijuana is a pretext for meeting someone from a dating app, he guesses, “Ninety-five percent,” before thinking a little longer. “Ninety-six, 97, 98,” Ortiz continues with a laugh. “Because I specifically mention it in my profile, it's very rare that people who want to hook-up don't want to smoke.”
The proliferation of weed in Black gay dating culture can be as overwhelming as the plant's odor for some non-smokers.
“I think it can be very challenging,” says a 28-year-old Atlantan who asked to be identified as Stephon. “A lot of folks do want to meet up with the intention of having a smoke session, and for me, that's not something I do. From a dating pool perspective, if I was to be very honest, if I wanted to date a Black man then I think there's a high probability that he smokes weed.”
Kwamain Wilkes doesn't smoke but has so many friends and family who do that he doesn't count marijuana as a strike against a potential partner.
“It does seem like everybody's smoking, it's just a social norm,” Wilkes, 31, says. “I don't do it as a social norm, I don't do it all, but guys don't discriminate because I don't smoke.”
Long before Grindr and Jack'd, before THC and CBD were infused into gummy bears and grandma's hand lotion, marijuana has been a wingman in Black gay dating: facilitating relaxed introductions, and allowing the parties to proceed whichever way the smoke blows.
“A blunt, back in the day, in my hand at a park was always an invitation for the cutie who's walking by to sit down,” Ortiz, 51, says. “So it's always been part of my cruising habits and my social habits.”
The bonding effects of marijuana are not exclusive to dating apps or sexual encounters, with a shared smoke leading to fellowship as often as a freak session.
“You could be out at a concert or park, in the pre-COVID days, and you can meet someone and bond over a blunt, then wind up being friends years later,” said Timothy Webb, a daily smoker who along with Ortiz founded The CannaBros, a Facebook group for HIV-positive Black gay men who love weed. The brotherhood has commemorated April 20 with smoking parties, hiking excursions, and trips to Denver, and kept the spirit alive in 2020 with a Zoom smoke-out.
“Long before Grindr and Jack’d, before THC and CBD were infused into gummy bears and grandma’s hand lotion, marijuana has been a wingman in Black gay dating: facilitating relaxed introductions, and allowing the parties to proceed whichever way the smoke blows.”
Navigating Weed & Hook-Up Culture
Despite almost half of Americans now living in a jurisdiction where marijuana is legal, gay dating apps don't make it easy for weed smokers to find one another. Both Grindr and Jack'd prohibit terms like “weed,” “4/20” and even certain emojis that are associated with smoking culture, which is especially frustrating to folks who use the apps as a marijuana marketplace.
“I think [the apps] should be a lot more lenient when it comes to [talking about weed],” says a weed dealer who asked to be identified as AJ. “Having just moved [to Atlanta] a couple of weeks ago and knowing only one person here, the apps are the only source [to find customers], so it's really essential.”
Unable to explicitly tout his products, AJ has learned to adapt his marketing strategies to the unique energy on gay dating apps.
“If I put [up] a picture that may just be saying something about weed and saying I sell it, I don't get many hits,” he says. “But if you go on there with a photo that's kind of attractive; I'm not buff, but, you know, I'm skinny, tattoos, stuff like that, and a lot of people tend to like that. So it's like, hey, I'll show a little nipple and I can make an extra five, $600 a day.”
The ban on weed-related terminology forces guys to communicate in code, and given the variety of recreational drugs folks consume, both Ortiz and Webb recommend vigilance to make sure guys are talking about smoking the same substance.
“This guy asked if I wanted to match and I said sure,” Ortiz recalls. “He comes over, and I roll a blunt and put it right next to him and said, 'Light up.' I went into the bathroom, and by the time I came out he's in his underwear, on my bed, lighting up a [crystal meth] pipe.
“I'm like, 'What the fuck are you doing,?'” Ortiz says. “He said, 'You said light up.' I was like, 'No. Noooooo.'”
“I think a lot of folks, not all, use it as a coping mechanism to not address the root of a lot of issues, they just sort of smoke their problems away.”
Weed As A Coping Mechanism?
Although marijuana is considered a milder substance than almost any other party drug (including alcohol), Stephon worries it can still interfere with some users' lives and emotions.
“I think a lot of folks, not all, use it as a coping mechanism to not address the root of a lot of issues, they just sort of smoke their problems away,” says Stephon, for whom being smoke-free is a non-negotiable in a long-term partner.
Amistad Aromand used to consider weed a bridge between himself and a new partner, allowing them to know one another with fewer inhibitions. He now understands it as a trigger to more reckless partying, and his sobriety has changed how he navigates the smoke-filled dating scene.
“I had to learn how to have sex without being high,” Aromand says. “How I negotiated it was I'll say, 'You come to my house and you smoke the weed before you get here, and then we can hook-up. It continues to be the norm [for hook-ups to propose a smoke session], but I figure out ways to not have it in my immediate presence.
“Even till today, when I say, 'Hey, I'm not interested in smoking weed, then that takes out a whole lot of people,'” he adds.
Some weed smokers are among those who think the plant casts too large a shadow over Black gay dating.
“A lot of younger guys use weed as a gateway [to sex], but that doesn't entice me,” says Anthony Gaskin, 28, an every-other-day smoker. “I can smoke by myself. It takes more than a blunt to get me.”
While weed can make introductions easier, it can also become the totality of a “date night” or an entire relationship.
“Nowadays in the LGBT community, for me, I don't see a lot of dating, such as, 'Let's meet up and go out to a restaurant, let's meet up and go here,'” AJ says. “It's always, 'Let's meet at my house.' I feel like weed has become the easiest and the quickest way to get someone over.”
Ryan Lee is a freelance writer in Atlanta and a columnist for The Georgia Voice, which focuses on LGBTQ issues in the south.