Never Enough Time: Black Gay Men Grieve, Rebuild After Unexpected Parental Loss
Jay King Holliday and his mom Clarice Lewis (Image courtesy of subject)
At 52 years old, Jay Torrence, better known to most as Jay King Holliday, considers himself an orphan.
In the last 10 years, the co-creator and co-founder of the annual spring break gathering, Big Boy Pride, has had to bury both his mother and father. His father, whom he admits he hadn’t always had the closest relationship with, died from cancer in October 2012. His mother, and the person he still considers his best friend, died suddenly in December 2019.
“There is something really confusing about it—being without both of my parents at 52. I am a 52-year-old orphan,” he proclaimed to The Reckoning. “It doesn’t seem that it should be as impactful as it is, but it is—coming to terms with the reality that I’ve lost a lot of my legacy. The people who connect me to my history are no longer present.”
Most of those who have experienced the loss of a parent admit that it changes them. The pain never goes away, and the loss creates an unfillable void. For Holliday, a New York native now residing in Atlanta, the losses have had a unique effect on him. Prior to his father’s passing, they had time to heal.
Jay King Holliday (Image courtesy of subject)
“My dad had a two-year bout with cancer,” said Holliday. “In those two years, we talked, had the chance to come to terms about some things, and were able to clear up some misinformation.”
But there was also a flip side to the experience. In the back of his mind, he knew that if the tables were turned and it was his mother, whose name is Clarice Lewis, things would have been very different for him. But at the time, it wasn’t her, so he could deal.
“I carried a fair amount of guilt the whole time my dad was sick because it wasn’t my mother,” he said. “I kept saying to myself, I can do this and be here for him because it's not her. I can get through this because it's not her. I am thankful that it's not her.”
As far back as he can remember, Holliday and his mother had been each other's protectors and defenders. He traces the moment he took on the personal responsibility back to when his parents separated. He was around seven years old. While his siblings developed stronger bonds with his dad, he took to his mom.
“Families rely upon the gay son, especially if/when we are single. I see it among my friends. I have experienced in my own life with my dad. We don’t have our own families to consider, so we are more flexible and more able to step in and take on the things that need to be handled within the family dynamic.”
Near, or around the same time, he reflects, his mother seemed to make the same determination, finding it necessary to extend her focus on him more than his other siblings.
In his experience, Holliday believes it's the gay sons who carry the burden of being the ones to pick up the pieces. More often than not, it is the gay sons who play the role of caregiver, planner, organizer, and fixer.
“Families rely upon the gay son, especially if/when we are single. I see it among my friends. I have experienced in my own life with my dad,” he said. “We don’t have our own families to consider, so we are more flexible and more able to step in and take on the things that need to be handled within the family dynamic.”
Marcus Borders and his mom Yonine Borders (Image courtesy of subject)
Questions and Uncertainties
When his mother passed, Marcus Borders, 36, found himself playing the role of fixer when it came to his relationship with his father.
A native of College Park, Georgia, Borders lost his mother, Yonine Borders, in May 2013.
“As an only child, I had a great relationship with my mother. From a stereotypical sense, fathers are usually the ones who want their sons to be ‘rough and tough.’ It was the exact opposite in my household,” he told The Reckoning. “My mother was the one who pushed me to play outside and get dirty.”
Though she was fairly social and had many friends, Yonine confided heavily in her son.
“I probably knew way too much,” he admits. “One thing I truly loved about our relationship was that she made things special and she created space for me to be myself. For many years, she was the only person to truly see my uninhibited personality, and I always cherished that about our relationship.”
Around November 2012, Borders learned of his mother’s diagnosis with stage 4 lung cancer. Not long after the diagnosis, she began chemotherapy treatment. Initially, everything was fine. However, she began having hip issues, which required her to have surgery. After her surgery, her health began to decline quickly. She died on a Saturday, May 25, 2013, at the age of 54.
Losing his mother left him with questions and uncertainties. The root of them all—what actually caused her death? He didn’t know for sure and when asked by his doctor during one of his own check-ups, he didn’t have any clear answers. Curious, his doctor looked up the cause of death and to Borders’ surprise, it wasn't due to her cancer or hip surgery.
The cause of death was listed as complications due to Graves’ Disease.
“One thing I truly loved about our relationship was that she made things special and she created space for me to be myself. For many years, she was the only person to truly see my uninhibited personality, and I always cherished that about our relationship.”
- Marcus Borders
While he does not recall dealing with any form of depression or struggling emotionally from her passing, he does remember having to face the stress caused by the circumstances—most specifically, the transitional period from November 2012 to May 2013. How her passing would impact his dad also became a concern.
Though his relationship was stronger with his mother, her passing required him to reexamine his relationship with his father to deepen their connection. Following her passing, they had to figure out how to get beyond their strained relationship.
“With my mama gone, it was just the two of us,” he stated matter-of-factly. “Though it has not been easy, it required us to work on our relationship for the better.”
Picking Up The Pieces
When his mother was diagnosed with dementia in January 2020, Gil Shannon Jr. found himself preparing for the moment when she would no longer be around. At 40-years-old, the Chicago native is also an only child. And while she is still living, her diagnosis puts all sorts of things into perspective for him.
“The confirmation of the diagnosis hit like a brick. So many questions regarding her future and my dad’s future started to come up,” he told The Reckoning. “The information truly made me aware of my parent’s mortality and that as I age, they are aging as well.”
In addition to having conversations with them regarding estate planning, he has also ramped up the amount of time he spends with her and his father. He used to visit with them once every other week. Now it's once a week, sometimes twice.
“I want to cherish all the time I have left with them,” he said. “As an only child, I’ve always felt like all the responsibilities of their aging will fall on me.”
His therapist has also been a big help.
“Spend time with them and still try to create new memories for you to cherish. Do not put off spending time, showing love, letting them know how you feel, thinking you can do it tomorrow or sometime down the line. Do it now.”
“I’ve talked to my therapist numerous times about my mom. Mostly about feeling sad that she must experience her later years this way and feeling sad about not really being able to have in-depth conversations with her anymore,” said Shannon. “He mentioned I’ve kind of been experiencing mourning. Not her death, obviously, but that a part of her is kind of gone and will not be returning.”
He has also spoken to friends that have lost their parents to get an idea of how they have adjusted. Shannon understands that he can’t completely prepare himself for when his mother, or his father for that matter, passes. He admits that he realizes they both can have many years ahead of them, but eventually the day will come.
Even though it has been two years since his mother passed, Holliday admits there are still times when he reaches for the phone to call her. Sometimes, he remembers and moves through the moment. Other times, he gets stuck in sorrow and has to pause and process.
“Ensure you have relationships with people that will be there for you to lean on if that’s the type of support you need, as well. Realize that the feelings associated with loss come in ebbs and flows and it’s perfectly fine to not be okay.”
“When things would go wrong, I could always pick up the phone or stop by and sit with her. It didn’t matter when or what it was. I didn’t have to mention to her what was going on either. She would find a way to soothe the moment. Without her presence, things have taken on a greater struggle because my comforter isn’t here in the physical sense.”
Yet, he is finding ways to pick up the pieces, including giving insight to those around him that have lost parents since his mother died. Recently, he shared with a friend who lost his mother near the end of 2021 that when the funeral is over, people will go back to their normal.
“You will feel left behind while those around you have moved forward,” Holliday shared. “It doesn't mean they don’t care. It's just that your loss is not their everyday reality the way it is for you.”
Losing a loved one, especially a parent, is a unique experience. Everyone faces it in their own individual ways and everyone’s grieving process looks different, said Borders.
“Don't confine yourself to process things in ways that you think they should occur. If you need personal time, take it,” he said. “Ensure you have relationships with people that will be there for you to lean on if that's the type of support you need, as well. Realize that the feelings associated with loss come in ebbs and flows and it's perfectly fine to not be okay.”
For those that have not yet lost a parent, Shannon also has a bit of advice.
“Spend time with them and still try to create new memories for you to cherish. Do not put off spending time, showing love, letting them know how you feel, thinking you can do it tomorrow or sometime down the line,” he said. “Do it now. Also, be sure to take time out for yourself. Rest and release stress as much as you can.”
Mashaun D. Simon is an equity and inclusion advocate who centers his preaching, writing, and scholarship on cultural competency, identity, and equity.
He has written for NBC News and the Atlanta Daily World, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Black Enterprise, Bloomberg News, TheGrio.com, Ebony Magazine, BelieveOutLoud.com, and Essence Magazine. He has also created and managed cultural competency and affirmative action programming and training and in 2018, Mashaun organized and facilitated Kennesaw State University’s Faith and Sexuality Symposium on behalf of KSU’s Presidential Commission for LGBT Initiatives. In 2021, Mashaun was selected as a member of the inaugural cohort of the Rising Leaders Fellowship.
He holds a professional writing degree from Georgia Perimeter College, a Bachelor of Science in Communications from Kennesaw State University, and a Master of Divinity from Emory University's Candler School of Theology.